Strong, Independent Black Women, or Nah?

I spent the majority of my youth living in a single mom household. My mom was everything; caretaker, breadwinner, PTA person, boo boo person. Everything. I saw her do it all and subconsciously thought that this is how a mom/woman is to operate. The women in my family, regardless married or single, were all also doing it all. It felt like a man was an unneeded accessory. I never dreamed of being married, the men I knew in relationships were often unfaithful, or just didn’t seem to work as hard as their women.

Then when I got married a day after turning 21, I think I was more shocked than my friends and family. The first few years of being married were HARD! I questioned my strength daily. If my husband cooked dinner, paid more bills, bonded with my son or did things around the house, I questioned if I was still a strong, independent black woman. Isn’t that the goal? I started making up these relationship rules that I had to pay half of everything with my husband.

We went back and forth for months trying to understand how marriage and partnership were supposed to work while I maintained my independence. I had heard about women who would lose themselves in their relationships and I was scared to become one of them. 

I was NOT to be domesticated. The more I tried to maintain my independence the further we got from growing in our marriage.

Slowly we started coming around to each other and communicating what we expected from one another. One of the biggest realizations was that I HAD A PARTNER. Someone who wanted to work with me not just us working side by side. We wanted a lot of the same things and could support each other in achieving those things and achieving our own goals. Our marriage didn’t need to look like or operate the way others do. This was our marriage and we have 100% freedom to decide how it did or didn’t work. 

I spent the majority of my youth living in a single mom household. My mom was everything; caretaker, breadwinner, PTA person, boo boo person. Everything. I saw her do it all and subconsciously thought that this is how a mom/woman is to operate. The women in my family, regardless married or single, were all also doing it all. It felt like a man was an unneeded accessory. I never dreamed of being married, the men I knew in relationships were often unfaithful, or just didn’t seem to work as hard as their women.

Then when I got married a day after turning 21, I think I was more shocked than my friends and family. The first few years of being married were HARD! I questioned my strength daily. If my husband cooked dinner, paid more bills, bonded with my son or did things around the house, I questioned if I was still a strong, independent black woman. Isn’t that the goal? I started making up these relationship rules that I had to pay half of everything with my husband.

We went back and forth for months trying to understand how marriage and partnership were supposed to work while I maintained my independence. I had heard about women who would lose themselves in their relationships and I was scared to become one of them. 

I was NOT to be domesticated. The more I tried to maintain my independence the further we got from growing in our marriage.

Slowly we started coming around to each other and communicating what we expected from one another. One of the biggest realizations was that I HAD A PARTNER. Someone who wanted to work with me not just us working side by side. We wanted a lot of the same things and could support each other in achieving those things and achieving our own goals. Our marriage didn’t need to look like or operate the way others do. This was our marriage and we have 100% freedom to decide how it did or didn’t work. 

From that realization we started to build what WE wanted our partnership to look like and it has become magical. I have also gained the confidence to know that not because I have a husband means I am not strong it simply means I have even more support. 

It still scares me sometimes and I have people as “what happens if it doesn’t work out”. Well, I have enough confidence in my strength to bounce back and be okay if it doesn’t. But having one foot in and the other foot preparing for all the “What ifs” that may never happen wasn’t getting me or my partnership anywhere.